Contact the gallery’s artists directly via Instagram for works instead
of going through them. Upload the work on your own feed directly
once acquired. Make sure to tag the gallery.
#2 HOPPING During a gallery opening, ask top collectors whether they want to join you for an “event much more fun than this” straight away. Do not invite the gallery staff to join.
#3 first choice day Visit the gallery’s booth on the “First Choice” day of Art Basel and talk to them non-stop about your wife’s affair with the gardener, or the solar panels you want to get fixed at your Portuguese holiday cottage. If they attempt to speak with other clients, lift your voice and look offended.
#4 sell back option Buy an artwork, negotiate an agreement with a sell-back option, and make use of it a week after purchase. Repeat this twice or three times in short periods.
#5 air traffic Use the informational print-outs from the reception desk to craft some paper planes and let them fly over other guests’ heads or even better, against the canvases.
#6 air traffic 2 Try out your new selfie-drone at the opening.
#7 condition Bring a detective kit consisting of a magnifying glass, camera, and white gloves to an opening to check ALL artworks for their “mint” condition.
#8 DM Constantly comment on the galleries social media feeds with nonsensical Emoji combos. Send them daily DMs to ask about their Sunday hours or where to find the best soy latte in the neighbourhood. Check back whether they have received the message immediately once you see a notification that they have read the message.
#9concierge Once you have the gallery’s director WhatsApp, cancel your Quintessentially subscription and use him as your concierge service by asking him for bargain hotels during Art Basel and requesting that he books you at the Soho House during Gallery Weekend Berlin.
#10 artfair Don’t buy any works for a year and don’t show up at the gallery once, then, call the gallerist’s mobile 5 -10 times during the first day of an art fair because you need an extra ticket for your college friend, your accountant, your father-in-law, or your son’s ex-girlfriend.
#11with compliments Get really drunk on cheap, free wine at a major opening and disturb the peace by grinding up to the nearest expensive sculpture.
#12going solo Tell the gallerist that you feel the time has come for him to help you get a solo show displaying the watercolors you painted during your Provence holidays.
#13style Inexplicably wear a cycling helmet to openings. Always.
#14 little break If you have to go to the toilet at the opening, inform the gallery director and everyone else of where you’re going. Notify them immediately once you are back.
#15expertise Pretend to be a renowned expert on a particular artist during an opening and “teach” fellow guests about the artist’s background, development, and inspirations, even if it’s all very, very false. E.g. “he grew up in a very dangerous neighbourhood in Brazil and needed to learn how to express his fears”…
#16 expertise 2 …or for female artists: “She worked as a call girl while at art university and one of her best clients was a famous collector.”
#17trashy Confide in the gallerist that you feel that they are the right one to find a really good painting for your laundry room / guest toilet / garage, because you’re looking for something “really trashy.
#18lumas After you’ve bought an edition from LUMAS, keep on calling your gallerist and ask whether he thinks that buying this work was a really good investment.
#19bonding Get flirty with the gallery staff and ask everyone -from the receptionist to the artist liaison manager or the cleaning lady- out for a dinner. Make sure you ask each of them in front of all the others that you have asked before.
#20payment After you’ve bought a $980 edition work, start the first bank transfer with the amount of $1. State in the subject line “1 of 980” and arrange the “2 of 980” transfer for the following week.from LUMAS, keep on calling your gallerist and ask whether he thinks that buying this work was a really good investment.